Why I never say goodbye

Usually when you leave a friends house, your job, your house or other places you always say goodbye to the person you were with. Its a courteous way of saying I`m leaving now and hope you do well. Well, I have another take on goodbye. When I say goodbye to someone, it usually means for one reason or another I will not see or talk to them again.

 I usually say, "talk to you later, see you later", or just "later".

In my job, though I am not in law enforcement, there was small, albeit minuscule chance, I might not come home. And I always told the person I was with that the time, I will see you when I get home. 

Goodbye to me is a final farewell. Its saying that I will probably never or likely never see or even talk to you again. It means this is the end of our relationship and I hope all goes well for you.

So, if you are reading this and you are family, friends or co-workers. I`ll see you later. 

If I have wronged you, I am sorry

I have been doing a lot of reflecting in my life the last few weeks. What could have I done better and what did I do wrong to lead me into the position I am in today. Though I believe I have done the best I can do, I sometimes feel, that even unknowingly, I have wrong people sometimes in some ways. For that, I am truly sorry.

If I have shunned you, I am sorry.

If I have ignored you, I am sorry.

If I wasn't there for you when you needed me, I am sorry.

If I could have done something better but my pride or stubbornness stopped me, I am sorry.

If I have hurt you, I am sorry.

If I have turned my back on you without good cause, I am sorry

If I have done anything to upset you unjustly, I am sorry.

If you feel I have used you, I am sorry.

Though, I do not believe I have really done those things, well, not intentionally anyways. I know that sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what you have been doing.

To all the people out there who believe I have done these things, I am truly sorry. All I ask is for your forgiveness and possibly help if you see me doing these things to tell me when it happens. Sometimes you have to be told what you do not want to hear to better yourself. I myself do that to others. I am usually telling people what I believe they need to hear, but not necessarily what they want to hear. Sometimes I have probably have not done it in the best way. I probably could have worded things things differently. It was never my intention to bring people down or hurt them. I always want to help people in the best way I can. Sometimes, I might have done that in the wrong way.

But you cannot change the past. You can only try to learn from it not make those mistakes again.

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry to all those who believe I have done any of these things.

Rising from the ashes

As I sit here, I should be ecstatic that I have been promoted in my job. I should be celebrating that when I went back into the profession I am good at and enjoy doing, I have been promoted to a high level. It took a lot of hard work and proving myself to get into this position. I should be out celebrating with the people closet to me that my dedication and hard work paid off. But, I no longer have anyone to celebrate with. I have no one to come home to to congratulate me. I have nothing.

Now, do not get me wrong, I worked my ass off for this promotion and I am happy that I got it. Its always nice to see the fruits of your labor. I am thankful for my co workers and my superiors that have chosen me for this position. And its my greatest hopes, professionally wise, I do not let them down.

But, with all that said, that doesn't really matter in my personal life. All I have to come home to is an empty house now. Well, not exactly empty, I have my dog and cat to come home to.

Its still hard to deal with what life has handed to me. Its still gets to me that his been over a month that my life change happened. Even now there are still sleepless nights and crying. Crying on what I could have done differently, crying on grieving over the loss I am dealing with. At lease, with this loss, I take some comfort in the fact they will move on, even if its without me.

 However, I know and acknowledge I am better off then many other people in this country. I know that I have a roof over my head and food [most of the time] in the fridge. I have a car and I have a job. I have the means and training to protect myself if need be [hopefully never happens]. I also have a great emotional support network I can rely on if need be, even if they are two to three time zones away.

This post is not to lay blame on myself or anyone else. This is more of a reflections of what I have learned and how I will lead my life from here on out.

First off, I have returned to the fact that no matter what I only really have myself to rely on. I only have myself to make sure I am OK and though one day I might share myself life with someone else, I can never forget the fact that its potentially all on me to make sure I am OK.

Second, I cannot put myself in a situation to completely take care of someone anymore. Of course there are exception to this, like injury and other things that would incapacitate someone on in some way. All you have to rely on is yourself. No matter the situation, unless mentioned above, make sure you are taken care and your family is taken care of. That is not to say dont ever try to help anyone else. But know that you do it out of goodwill and should never expect it in return. That will later lead to resentment if it is not reciprocated in the same way or amount you have given.

Third, I need to learn how to let go easier. This is something I am learning and maybe one day I will master. I have to learn not to hold onto the past, especially when all its going to do is either sadden or anger me. Its tough for me, since there are so many memories with different people who have or possibly I have decided to end what ever relationship we are with. Its hard sometimes to keep the good and bad memories separate.

And lastly, I am learning I need to get out more and live life. Unfortunately, due to my previous situation, money was extremely tight, and it wasn't possible to do the things we all wanted to do. One of things I regret was not able to providing as much as I should have. But, you cannot change the past, but learn from it.

Like the Phoenix, I am rising from the ashes. One day I will rise completely again. One day I will have my life back that I have lost. Well, I will not have that life anymore. That life is over. I will have a new life and new experiences to look forward to.

To anyone who is going through a trying time where they have to restart their life from scratch, know you are not alone. You are not the first one to go through this and you will not be the last. Just know that with hard work you will get back on your feet. I want to say it will get better, but that is not really true. It will be different. Comparing what was better or worse will not help. Something I am also learning is I cant compare things as better or worse in certain situations.